Sobriety Playbook: Does Accountability Have to Know Your Whole Story?

6 days ago

7 min read

A Sobriety Playbook Perspective on Building the Right Team

When people talk about changing their relationship with alcohol, one piece of advice comes up again and again:

“You need an accountability person.”

And for some people, that works great. A spouse knows what is going on, your friend knows the goal. A sponsor knows the struggles. Someone gets the phone call when the craving hits. There can be tremendous power in having another person who knows exactly what you are trying to do. But what if you are not ready for that?

What if you are not ready to tell your friends?
What if you do not want to sit your family down and announce that you are struggling with alcohol?
What if you are still trying to understand the problem yourself?

Does that mean you cannot have accountability?

Absolutely not. I think we sometimes define accountability much too narrowly.

Accountability does not necessarily mean finding somebody, telling them your entire story, and asking them to make sure you do not drink. Accountability is anything that makes it more likely that you will run the play you decided to run.

And sometimes the person helping you run that play does not even know what the play is.

They Don’t Have to Know the Play to Help You Run It: The Unknowing Teammates

Imagine you know that Friday between 5:00 and 7:00 is one of your danger zones. You have watched enough of your own game film to recognize the pattern. Friday afternoon arrives. The workweek is over. You are tired. You feel like you deserve something. Maybe the weather is nice. Maybe you are bored. Maybe everyone around you seems to be kicking off the weekend. Whatever the circumstances are, you know the defense that is getting ready to come onto the field.

Your old plan might have been:

“I just won’t drink tonight.”

That leaves your Head Coach standing on the sideline hoping that when the pressure comes, your Offensive Coordinator suddenly chooses a completely different play from the one he has called hundreds of times before. That is not much of a game plan. So this week you do something different. At noon, you text a friend:

“Want to grab dinner around 5:30?”

Your friend says yes. He has no idea why you asked. He does not know that 5:00 is normally difficult for you. He does not know that you are trying to change your drinking. He does not know that dinner is part of your sobriety playbook.

But at 5:20, instead of sitting at home arguing with yourself about whether you should drink, you are getting in your truck because somebody is waiting for you at a restaurant.

Your friend just became part of the play. I call that an Unknowing Teammate.

He does not know the entire game plan. He does not have to. He just has a job to do. And because he is doing his job, it becomes easier for you to do yours.

Accountability Is a Job, Not a Title

Instead of asking, “Do I have an accountability person?” I think a better question is:

“What job do I need accountability to perform?”

You may want somebody you can call before a difficult situation.
A person you can text when the rationalizations start.
Who knows enough about you to say, “That doesn’t sound like the decision you wanted to make this morning?"
Maybe you want somebody to meet you for dinner.
There may be somebody expecting you at the gym.
And if you need somewhere to be at 6:00, who's there?
You may simply need something on the calendar that makes your next move more predictable.

Those are different jobs. And they do not necessarily require the same player.

That is important because one of the mistakes I made for years was expecting one solution to somehow defeat every situation alcohol threw at me.

That is like asking one football player to be your quarterback, left tackle, running back, linebacker, punter, and kicker. Eventually, he is going to get beat. A strong team does not work that way. Neither should your sobriety playbook.

The Knowing Teammate

There may also be people on your roster who do know what you are trying to accomplish.

They know alcohol has become a problem. They know you are trying not to drink. They may know your danger hours. They may know your excuses. They may even recognize your rationalizations before you do.

That is a Knowing Teammate. And that player can be incredibly valuable. Because there are moments when you do not need somebody to distract you. You need somebody who understands exactly what is happening.

You can say:

“I’m starting to talk myself into drinking.”

And you do not have to explain what you mean. There is enormous value in that type of relationship, but it is not the only form of accountability.

That person already knows the defense.
They have seen the film.
Their job is simply to help you call a Timeout long enough for the moment to pass.
And they can remind you what you said you wanted at 8:00 that morning.
Maybe they challenge the story your Offensive Coordinator is beginning to sell you at 5:00.

Accountability Doesn’t Even Have to Be a Person

This may be the part people overlook the most. Some accountability can be built directly into your environment. I think of this as Structural Accountability.

An alarm can provide accountability.
A scheduled workout can provide accountability.
A dinner reservation can provide accountability.
A calendar appointment can provide accountability.
A planned drive to your grandson’s game can provide accountability.
Removing alcohol from the house can provide accountability.
Taking a different route home can provide accountability.
Leaving your wallet or credit card somewhere inconvenient can provide accountability.
A written Play Card sitting on your console can provide accountability.

None of those things know you have a drinking problem. They do not need to. Their job is to make one decision easier and another decision harder.

That is what good coaching does. We are not trying to prove how much willpower we have.

We are trying to design a situation that gives us the best chance to win.

Accountability Works Best Before You Need It

There is another important part of this. Accountability is most powerful when it is arranged before the pressure arrives. You should not wait until 5:15 on Friday afternoon—when the craving is already on the field—to begin wondering who you could call.

Make the call Thursday.

Schedule the dinner Wednesday.

Put the workout on the calendar in the morning.

Set the alarm before the danger hour.

Write the Play Card before you need to read it.

Call the play before the craving gets on the field.

Football teams do not wait until the quarterback is about to get sacked to start discussing pass protection. They studied the defense before the game. They practiced the protection during the week. They decided who was responsible for whom. Then, when the defense showed up, everybody already had a job.

Why should we prepare for our cravings any differently?

Privacy and Accountability Can Exist Together

There is also a very practical reason this matters. Not everyone is ready to tell people about their drinking. And I do not think someone should conclude:

“If I’m not ready to tell people, I guess I have to do this alone.”

Those are not your only two choices. There is a lot of territory between complete secrecy and telling everyone in your life what is happening.

You might have one Knowing Teammate.
You might have three Unknowing Teammates.
You might build several forms of Structural Accountability into your week.
And over time, your roster may change.
Someone who starts as an Unknowing Teammate might eventually become someone you trust with more of the story.

...Or maybe they never do. That is okay.

Their value to your team is determined by whether they help you execute the play—not by how much information they possess.

Stop Looking for One Person to Save You

This fits one of the biggest principles in The Sobriety Playbook:

You should not ask one player to save the team.
Your spouse should not have to police you.
Your best friend should not be responsible for keeping you sober.
Your accountability partner should not have to answer every call, defeat every craving, and solve every situation.

Build a roster.

One person might be great for the Friday-night phone call. Someone else may be your Saturday-morning workout partner. Your calendar protects Tuesday night. Your Play Card protects the drive home from work. A planned activity protects Sunday afternoon.

Removing alcohol from the house changes the field entirely. Professional help may have another important role on the roster.

Different players.

With different jobs.

You have different matchups.

One coordinated team.

What Job Do You Need Filled?

Instead of starting with:

“Who can I tell about my drinking?”

Try starting here:

“Where am I getting beat?”

What time?
What situation?
What emotion?
What place?
What pattern keeps showing up on the film?

Then ask:

“What could I put in that spot that would make running my old play harder and running my new play easier?”

Maybe the answer is a person who knows everything, or someone who knows almost nothing. As mentioned earlier, sometimes it is not a person at all.

The goal is not to create the perfect-looking recovery team, but it is to create your team.

Built from watching your film.
Designed for your opponent.
Prepared for the moments when you are most vulnerable.

Because accountability is not somebody standing over your shoulder making sure you behave. It is one more player, structure, commitment, or protection that helps the man you were at 8:00 in the morning have a voice when 5:00 arrives. And sometimes the teammate helping you win that moment never even knows he was in the game.

“They don’t have to know the play to help you run it.”